WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
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