I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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