I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Randomize