i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
