You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
there was a trapeze. enough said
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
