I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
