Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
