Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
