Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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