The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
