Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
