Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
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