We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
