Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
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