I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Bring me that man meat
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize