Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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