Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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