There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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