I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
