I think my vagina is haunted
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
