at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
