I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
