you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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