No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
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