I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
My apartment stinks of burning failure
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
