I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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