discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Randomize