I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
