So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
