hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
