oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I checked into jail on foursquare
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
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