If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
