I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
