My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
