i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Randomize
