well I can't set my house on fire every night
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Text me some of your sweat
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
