i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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