My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize