Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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