She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
