since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
