you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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