i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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