dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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