Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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