Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
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