critical mistake not lubing the nipples
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
