And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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