Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
