took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
