Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
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