The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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