Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
