Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
