I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
