you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
