the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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