I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
