I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
