I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
