Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I just threw up on my dentist
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Vodka?
Forever.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
