He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
