Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
