I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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