why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Randomize
